In order to better inform myself on what to buy, I regularly check reviews of products online. To me, Amazon seems the most helpful in my decision making process, so it is this site that I will most often refer to for my new column here in Dry Ink.

Suffice to say, there are a lot of movies and cds out there and with so many choices, making the right one can be hard. This week I wanted to watch a newer French movie. According to people’s “likes” on Facebook, Amelie is a good one to try. However, I quickly learned that the film is anti-catholic, Romanticist, features a psychotic main character, and is not as good as Sir Ice Cube’s Are We There Yet? not to mention the high level of taint!

1/5 Stars. Sickeningly Romanticist, June 30, 2006

By: Lao Hu

Innocent girl explores life. Teaches basic perfection of human nature. Sickeningly Romanticist. Walked out.

Majesty: 3/10
Execution: 8/10
Taint: 8/10
Total: -18

“Majesty” measures how much glory, beauty, and truth the film attains, meaning serious films do better. “Execution” measures overall quality given the basic idea, penalizing for problems like plot holes or lame special effects. “Taint” measures degree of corruption by liberal ideology.

Total score = 2 * Majesty + Execution - .5 * Taint^2, rounded up.

1/5 Stars. Amelie is a psycho, August 10, 2009

By: K Hookey

She’s not cute, any twenty-something girl that would act in this way is clearly psychotic. I suppose we, the audience, are supposed to think she is an adorable, free-spirit type…but she’s just completely insane, and should be thrown into prison.

Some of the rapid-fire comic bits were a bit funny…but VERY few. I never for a second cared about where the plot (haha…plot) was going, or about any of the “kooky” characters. I couldn’t bring myself to watch this until the end. That’s my definition of a one-star film.

5 of 27 people found the following review helpful.

1/5 Stars. Why put a movie on DVD?, July 25, 2002

By: X Casto “xcasto”

There are a number of reasons for using the DVD format… They allow for all types of features to suit all types of viewers…
One Feature that is a MUST for foreign language films is to have a language track for the intended audience… This DVD lacks that basic feature and made initial viewing less than enjoyable… I guess, once I learn French or am able to retain the written dialog for the entire movie, I will enjoy the movie upon further viewing…

The makers of “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” Did their DVD the right way and I recommend that all makers follow that example…

1/5 Stars. Foreign Film, December 15, 2005

By: Jeff Gough “jenny”

Not really into films that are in languages I don’t understand. There were subtitles, but my DARN TV wasn’t formatting the video properly so the subtitles were partially cut off. Frustrating.

As a result, the movie frustrated me and I couldn’t even finish watching it. Luckily, I rented two movies. I also got “Are We There Yet?” with Ice Cube. Highly recommend it.

Jeff wasn’t lying!- he really did perfer Are We There Yet?

5/5 Stars. Long Awaited Role for Ice Cube, December 15, 2005

By: Jeff Gough “jenny”

Ice Cube has been waiting for an opportunity to show his *softer* side. I imagine when he got this script it was a no-brainer – THE PERFECT ROLE FOR HIM TO SHOW HIS BREADTH AS AN ACTOR.

Ice Cube has really turned his life around and I LOVE watching him play such a hilarious part in such a hilarious movie. Some people seem to think this movie has no audience. But, those people would only know that if they’ve seen it. And, if they’ve seen it, then *they* are an audience! This movie DOES have an audience, that’s inevitable (hence the 5 stars).

I really love it when people keep using older, I’ sayings like “are we there yet?” or “I don’t do mornings” or “must be MONDAY!”. This movie is appropriately named, because it seems to be playing on a timeless type of humor similar to the sayings I listed above.

I have some silk screen shirts I made last summer with things like “are we there yet?” written on them. I also made one that said “I *am* the big dog!”. Love it! This movie really encapsulates that irresistible, sassy attitude. Watch It!

1/5 Stars. CATHOLICS PLEASE READ, August 19, 2002

By: “danielowich”

This movie insults the Blessed Mother, in that it is stated one character, “hates the phrase; fruit of Thy womb.” Anatomical drawings of the uterus, etc. are interspersed with Marian images. It’s really pitiful the director felt the necessity to take a cheap stab at others’ beliefs.

1/5 Stars. I hate narrating! The narrator’s voice sounded so annoying!, February 11, 2003

By A Customer

If I new it was going to be subtitles and narrating I would have avoided it all together. First 20 minutes and I just couldn’t watch anymore. The scenes were kind of dull. I do not like foreign films and this one didn’t change my opinion. I go to a movie to relax and enjoy and let it do all the work to entertain me. I don’t want to have to squint and concentrate and rush reading so I can understand the storyline. It just gave me a headache and I was instantly turned off. If I want to read I will get a book. On top of everything else the narrator’s voice(male - creepy old man) sounded so dam annoying. I thought this was going to be a charming feel good movie with a sweet girl and nice accents in some nostalgic little quaint village and interesting people who got a second chance at happiness. Who knows, maybe when I get patience or desparate I’ll give this movie a 2nd chance.