I went to buy a candy bar Friday night, but I had no idea there what to buy –there were so many to choose from. I thought to myself “better do some research, Randall.” I mean, I don’t want to blow 89 cents without knowing what I have in store for the evening. Luckily, there are some folks kind enough to review candy bars on Amazon. Special thanks to “Spooky Chick” for her endless insights. She really has a stranglehold on candy reviews.

*Editor’s note: These are in fact real reviews found on Amazon. Happy hunting.

By: Spooky Chick (in tha’ world!)

Twix Peanut Butter Cookie Bars - 24 Bars, 1.8 Oz Each Bar (Health and Beauty)

I’m a gal who LOVES her sweets - and I had one of these babies just early today HOLLA!! Twix hit a grane slam with this addition to the Twix family. I remember when the two varieties of Twix were the original caramel and the peanut butter - both featuring the same kind of regular cookie base.

That was then and this is now! These aren’t your fathers peanut butter Twix. With the new kind, you’ll find a chocolate cookie base, and the difference is truly impressive. This is uniquely different Twix flavor - and the spookiest chick around recommends them like nobody’s business. Just don’t overdo it or you’ll be passing gas more than usual.

By: H. Gibson “Howardtg” (Waterbury, CT), January 8, 2009

5th Avenue Candy Bar, 2-Ounce Bars (Pack of 36) (Grocery)

The chocolate was outstanding. The service was quick. The value of the product exceeded what I paid. I’m very satisfied. This is my second purchase of candy from Amazon.com and I will do it again.

By: iamdavinci, January 21, 2010

Wished the expiration date was out longer…

2/5 Stars: Twix Peanut Butter Cookie Bars (24 Count) (Misc.)

Love Twix and since I can never really find it in my area I thought I would buy it from Amazon. Great price for a box of 24 the only gripe I have is that the expiration date is right around the corner - meaning I have to start eating these things NOW!!! I would have appreciated at least a year expiration time but I only have close to 30 days to eat 24 bars. I like to eat my candy in a casual setting not in a rushed setting - but we live and learn. I took three stars away for that reason and for the reason below.

UPDATE: I contacted the seller over 3 weeks ago to complain about the expiration dates and they have not returned my emails or even let me know they were concerned. They sell OLD STOCK that is expiring soon. I would not advise to buy from them and I would and will not buy from them at all again.

By: A. Rappoport (Berkeley, CA)

Rude and Nasty slogan, February 21, 2010

Nestles Yorkie Bar (Misc.)

I can’t imagine how, in 2010, Nestle might think that their slogan, “it’s not for girls” is acceptable. Implying it’s only for manly men, who can reinforce their manliness by buying this candy bar, is boggling. This brand marketing is not just tasteless, sexist and weird, it’s not funny.

If it was some kind of mocha or coffee thing with lots of caffeine, and it said not for kids, that would be fine. But it’s MILK CHOCOLATE.

3/5 Stars: Should’ve been a homerun, but only a stand-up double, November 17, 2007

Reeses Elvis Edition Peanut Butter and Banana Creme Cups (Misc.)

I’m a big-boned gal who loves her candy. Saw these on a roadtrip with my stud and HAD to try a pack or two (okay, four packs! What can I say?).

The Good: real banana flakes are listed in the ingredients, so this is at least in part NATURALLY flavored (though there is off course artificial flavoring as well).

The packaging - there are two available, one is the “classic Elvis” and one is “Hawaiian Elvis” wearing a lay (I believe this is only on King Sized packaging). If you’re an Elvis fan, buy a couple extra packs and throw ‘em in the freezer for posterity.

The Bad: not quite the right balance between peanut butter and banana flavors. I felt they were just a wee bit too close to standard peanut butter cups, with too subtle of banana flavor.

The Ugly: the commode, about a half-hour after I downed five straight packages (did I say four earlier? Alright, you caught me in a lie!). I even took a pic of the mess with my camera phone, just to gross out my boyfriend.

2/5 Stars: The white woman has an opinion, June 3, 2006

Hostess Twinkies, 15 oz (Misc.)

Listen up, I’m a big-boned gal who has yo-yoed in weight over the years. Thankfully I’m currently on a downswing, and I hope it stays that way. Which brings me to Hostess Twinkies which are very overrated. This is one of my least favorite Hostess snacks, if you want the truth. The sponge cake is stinky.

1/5 Stars: Drake’s couldn’t carry Hostess’s spit bucket, November 7, 2007

As my friends and fans know (and I thank each and every one of you, for we are all God’s children), I love to snack on tasty - though nutritionally-challenged - sweet treats. But the truth must be told: Drake’s is an utter joke and say what you will about Hostess, the fact remains that Drake’s will never be able to match up.

It is so true, too, that these unusually named ‘Yankee Doodles’ are dry and crumbly. If you MUST eat them, DON’T attempt to do so in an automobile. You’ll be finding crumbs for months afterward, and every time you will be reminded of how much you regretted eating one in the first place.

5/5 Stars: Buy ‘em by the case… or should I say “Kase”?, September 5, 2004

Wonka Bar Chocolate Bars (24 count) (Misc.)

When these hit the market, I was TENTATIVE. But after tasting one - microwaved slightly, of course! - I bought them by the handfuls. At one store (who’s name I won’t mention, but let’s just say they have a giraffe named Geoffrey as a mascot!), the cashier had fun trying to guess how many I could fit into my sweaty hands.

5/5 Stars: Yeah Baby!, September 2, 2004

Uh-oh, my inner-rapper is creepin’ out! Give me a beat and STAND BACK!!!

The gold box is all I need -
Flip the lid, it’s time to feed!

Gonna split my drawers, I’ll eat so much -
Some people use drugs; Godiva’s my crutch!

Don’t care about fat, don’t sweat those carbs -
If you don’t like the ‘G’, you a sho-nuff ‘tard!

Don’t whine ’bout the price, greatness don’t come cheap -
A world without Godiva’d make me weep!