I began cataloging my dreams in 2003. In order to maintain the absurdity of early morning writing, I try not to edit much from the way they read in my notes when I first wake up. Here are a few selections from my journal

“If someone were to tell me I had twenty years left, and asked how I’d like to spend them, I’d reply “give me two hours a day of activity and I’ll take the other twenty-two in dreams”–Luis Bunuel

Seven Inch Television Chef

July 2007

I am riding a semi truck like an old west horse and buggy
(Sitting on top and whipping it)
Then I cause a terrible accident

I get out and try and sort out the insurance stuff
Everyone yells at me so I run away into a TV studio
Where they are filming a cooking show hosted by a seven inch Indian baby!

He is slicing celery with a knife much too big for him
I fear for his safety, so I kidnap him in a bag

When I get him home he attacks me!
Biting my fingers!
I try to put a diaper on him but he won’t stay still

Future Bible

21 October 2008

I’m working in a small business and there is a long work desk
A man comes in and announces he has a date.
He begins to criticize the artwork I have made, I tell him he’s rude and he shoves me
So I take every phone in the building and leave to go home
I get home and the girl I was working with shows up to take my sister to a concert
But my sister kept saying she was not allowed to go
Then I’m at some sort of event. And there are plates of grapes and giant carrots
But a woman says we cannot eat until we read our bibles, the bibles are really thin maybe 14 pages, and they are illustrated with futuristic animals and advertisements for comic books (I realize I’m in the future)
We finish and she tells us we ran out of time to eat, but at the next event we can
So I drive there and I’m listening to a tape of a man talking
He says he hides his sex tapes at the end of comedy tapes…
Then he made a joke about if his kids find them they will be relaxed from the jokes and prepared for the sex!
I get home and the comedian Gilbert Godfrey is standing in my back door blocking me from getting in
Now I have a motorcycle and I run him over and I keep referring to him Billy Crystal

Little Black Wires

10 May 2010

I let a mentally retarded girl into a locked area of a warehouse where I apparently work.
Later on I get yelled at for doing so; she has pulled wires out of walls and messed up all the thermostats.
I leave and go home; only my home is set up in a store across from a big shopping centre.
My wife is sleeping on a couch, I quietly go around cutting off locks that are locking everything in my home; toilets, boxes, tables etc.
But I do not look inside anything I’ve unlocked
I cut of the locks to get these little black tubes and wires off of the locks themselves.
I start drilling tiny holes in the storefront glass and running the wires and tubes through the holes to create little people shaped things.
Then a lot of police men show up across the street where a girl is being held hostage.
After a while the girl comes rolling down the hill; no one goes to help her, so I do
But when I go outside a woman yells at me, explaining that the girl’s hands are swollen and that I shouldn’t go to help her
I get nervous that the storefront glass will shatter easily, now that I’ve drilled holes in it

War Telegrams

15 May 2010

I’m in a barn
Everything looks like a 1920’s silent film
I am watching a girl with her hair in a tangled braid paint another girl’s face with the end of her hair
I’m seeing everything in black and white except for the girl’s hair, which is yellow

There is a banging sound from a cellar door
I look over and there are crates and a stack of war telegrams on top of it
I move them and open the cellar door and let out a guy dressed like a monster
He seems like an actor in makeup but the girls panic
I chase after him, grab him and throw him back down the cellar
I hear him scream like he is falling forever
But, when I look down there is a short ladder and he is hiding in the shadows cupping his hand next to his mouth and screaming with fade out to make it seem like he is falling

Neptune’s Son

29 May 2010

I am walking around with Neptune “g-d of the sea” he is all blue and is wearing white pants and I am helping him find his son
I see some legs in white pants sticking out of the bottom of a volts wagon (like he is fixing it)
He slides out and is actually a marshmallow man
Then Neptune turns him into his son, and then the son turns into Neptune’s father

I tell them we should use their powers to hide pornography in people’s homes to get them in trouble

I walk over to my friend “Bruno’s” house
He tells me through a screen door he will let me in after he vacuums his stairs
He is wearing red shorts and a red shirt and the vacuum is red
It seems to take him a very long time to vacuum
During this time I notice I am wearing a suit but no pants, I just have a towel around me
Several girls leave the house and all laugh at me
Finally he finishes vacuuming and walks in to another room
He walks to the door holding ground beef, and explains that he will let me in after he makes the meatballs

Putty Cannon

20 June 2003

I am in a large dark theatre (like an opera house)
A robot comedian comes out on stage
He looks like a silver bass drum with arms and legs; he talks out of a bullhorn
The crowd boos him, and begins to throw things at him
His creator tells his other creation (silly putty cannon)
To go out and destroy him
Which he does by cannon blast

The crowd is still wild; the cannon forms a hand with a small gun
Puts it where his head would be and shoots himself

Carousel Girl

2 February 2004

I’m in a girlfriend’s room (upstairs) I leave the room and when I return my girlfriend is gone and there are two Japanese women, a short one and a tall one
And a famous actor

The actor and I begin to have relations with the women
The actor and short girl are suddenly gone
(I become the actor for a moment then change back)

Then the top half of the body of the girl I am with turns completely around
And transforms in to a carousel, I get up and push her off of me causing her to fall down; her legs roll back and she turns into a cat and attacks me

The actor and other girl are back and she has turned into a cat as well
I look down at my scratches and wounds then leave the room and go down stairs

Down stairs is an old west saloon, there are cowboys with guns
One says: “quite a little cat house we run here huh” then laughs

I go up stairs; the actor is by himself
He tries to convince me there were no cats

Nines Look Too Much Like Sixes

9 March 2008

I’m trying to enter a restaurant
but a man is blocking the entrance holding on to the turnstile

I look at him and he is gyrating in a strange way
He seems to be dying

I yell to a waiter to call for help
He points and says in an angry voice ”there’s the phone!”
I ask a friend to call on his portable phone
And he says he is low on minutes and cannot spare any

So I leave the man’s side and run to the phone
And all the numbers are in a row, but there is no nine
I ask why there is no nine
And the waiter says they look too much like sixes
I ask him why there is a six then
And he says because you can’t have a phone without a six

I leave and call from somewhere else
Next thing I know I’m with a lady detective and we are walking to the man
She is going very slowly. I try and hurry her but she says she wants to take her time and wait it out
That it is better if he’s dead when we get there because the was I described his gyrating it sounded gross to look at

We get there and the man is on the ground with his pants pulled down
And there is a kid playing on and around him
I take the kid over to his parent
Then wrap the child in a blanket like a yo-yo and unwind him really fast making him spin around

Cubby?

17 July 2008

In my dream music is recorded on water… whenever you pour it, it plays
I suggest to a friend we should release an album that comes in a flask
I try to call her later in the dream but keep dialing the wrong number. At point I get a person named cubby on the phone

Sorry To Waste Your Time

1 February 2009

I’m in a parking lot where a man is riding a really tall scooter
I try to talk to him, he jumps off to listen
I didn’t really have anything to say to him
He gets annoyed that I wasted his time
Then I’m driving a go kart incorrectly in a sort of crab walk position and there is a cold pizza on my chest
Then I go to the bathroom in my pants