There Ain’t No Cure for The Smiths

A pretend conversation between Morrissey and Robert Smith about the Smiths/Cure tribute presented by DRY INK July 24th at 529

Morrissey: Robert … can I call you Bob?

Robert Smith: Sure, can I call you Moss?

M: It’s Moz!

RS: What…are you sure?

M: Yeah

RS: How did you guys come up with the Smiths as a band name? Smith is my last name, you know.

M: I stole someone else’s mail once, I was looking for birthday cards with money in them and the mail was addressed to “The Smiths.” I liked it.  How about you?

RS: No, I’ve never stolen anyone else’s mail before, but I do take people’s towels from the pool all the time.

M: You swim?

RS: Oh yeah! That’s how I stay in shape. I shave my whole body. This is a wig you know… and these (pulls off his eyebrows) are fake too.

M: Really? They look great.

RS: It’s Indian hair. Did you see that Chris Rock documentary Good Hair?

M: Yeah, I love Chris Rock… he sticks it to white people in a likeable way! I had my hair cut like a baseball player for a while, then I figured, nah, better stick with the old Vanilla Ice look.

RS: That dude had good hair, what’s he up to now?

M: He works as a Vanilla Ice impersonator, he makes twice what “the real Ice” made back in the day. I was in Tennessee a few weeks ago and I went to try out to be an Elvis impersonator, the guy looked at me and said  “sorry bud, but the Bruce Campbell look -a- likes are down the hall.”

RS: (laughs into his hand) That’s cold man, that is cold!

M: That’s not the worst part. I went to the Bruce Campbell try outs and the guy said “sorry man, the Jay leno look -a- likes meet here on Tuesdays.”

RS: (Laughs) Speaking of imitations, I hear some people in Georgia are playing sets of our music at 529 club?

M: That’s good, saves me having to play songs I wrote 30 years ago

RS: Hey, we should make a rap album! I bet it would be as good, NO! it would be better than Ice’s!

M: That is a good idea! Rap is in… right?

RS: I… I think so…we could call it White after Labor Day!

M: That is a great title, but we could spell it funny like “white afta laber da”… well, let me work on it. We should meet up sometime and get hoagies and talk about it, want to meet at that new place - UK Subs?

RS: Sounds good man, sounds good.

M: You know who else is funny?

RS: Your mom?

M: (laughs out loud) No, no –Usher,  that guy know some “farmer’s daughter” jokes that will paralyze you!

RS: One time, I swear - this is 100% true… I’m back stage in my second hour of applying make up before a show, and who knocks on my door…Usher! I couldn’t believe it, I’m such a big fan, but something was off, he looked…well, chubby and he was wearing a trench coat and he refused to sit down. After about five minutes, he yanks off his glasses and opens his trench coat… and wouldn’t you know - it was Webster on another little person’s shoulders posing as Usher! Turns out, Usher has him do it when he doesn’t feel liking playing concerts or meeting sick kids.

M: Man, I miss Webster. It’s sad what happened

RS: Webster is fine! It’s Gary Coleman that died!

M: Who?

RS: Gary Coleman

M: (shrugs)

RS: The other Webster guy!

M: (pauses, puts his hands on his hips and sticks his chin out) What you talkin’ bout Robert smith?! (they both pause then crack up laughing)

RS: (looks at his watch, sighs) Shoot man, it has been fun, but I gotta run… I got some guys coming to look at my roof, the bastard has a leak.

M: It’s cool Bob, I need to run over to TJ Maxx and find some new “around the house” pants, I spilled a Jamoocha shake all over my old pair last week

RS: Hey, I’ve been thinking…lets not make that rap album

M: Yeah, you’re right, it sounds like a bad idea the more I think about it too

RS: …Do you still want to get hoagies though?

M: Yeah man, definitely!