A pretend conversation with Randall’s hero.

Randall Parson Smith: Thanks for doing this. It is an honor to interview you.

Gallagher: let’s smash some shit up man, I’m ready!

RPS: So what have you been up to?

G: Just ripping and tearing’ my man. Touring around, telling great jokes and living the dream.

RPS: You’ve been doing stand up a long time, can you talk about some of the newer aspects to your act and how you keep it fresh?

G: Yeah man, I am always, I repeat, always finding new ways to use the sledge-o-matic on stage. Just the other night I was running out of steam, getting a little tired, when some ladies’ portable phone started ringing.

RPS: So, you smashed the phone?

G: No, no. I didn’t think of that, I grabbed two watermelons and smashed them and said: “this one represents your phone! and this one your discourtesy!!!”  it was a riot!

RPS: But there is much more to your act than just smashing fruit … right?

G: Oh yeah! I smash other things too, all kinds of stuff; a bucket of chicken, a replica of a baby seal, Maya Angelou books all kinds of things, you got it- I can smash it.

RPS: But in your show do you do more than hit things, lets talk about that.

G: I do, but it is like my favorite singer Ray Stephens said: “when you do something and people think it is funny, don’t change it too much, just keep doing it for years and years and years.” I mean, when you go to a rock and roll concert, it’s not to hear some song you never heard, it’s to hear the song you heard on the radio.

I also have this giant-ass couch I jump on at the show. And did you see the photo I sent (starts laughing) with me wearing giant lady shoes? (laughs really hard)

RPS: What about jokes?

G: Hell yeah, let’s hear some!

RPS: No, do you tell many jokes?

G: Uuuumm, yeah, some. Oh, I got one… How does a slut feel? Whore-a-ble.

RPS: Good one Gallagher. I guess what you are saying, is if the formula isn’t broke … don’t fix it?

G: No! if it ain’t broke…  hit it with a hammer (laughs) (whispers) and charge people 35 bucks to watch you do it!!!! Hey, leave that part out of the interview, ok?

RPS: You got it G-man. On your website you have some cool merch, but I noticed you have only videos and no DVD’s?

G: Look, most of my fans… hell, most people do not have DBD players.

RPS: DVD.

G: Or whatever they’re called my fans aren’t busy “keeping up”,  they’re real man.

RPS: How did you get stared in comedy?

G: Well as a kid, I would always hit things with a wiffle ball bat I called it my “wiffleball bat-o-matic” and I had the “broken vacuum cleaner handle-o-matic” then there was the “rolled up news paper -o-matic” I used to train my dog with. Eventually I was doing my “act” at school functions, bingo games,  bbqs…just wherever. It kind of grew from there.

RPS: There must’ve been a lot of women, you’ve been doing this a long time!

G: Not so much, not so much.

RPS: What about your critics? people have complained about the amount of food you waste.

G: Waste?… ha! I’d hardly call what I do a waste! I mean…Was Shakespeare “wasting” paper when he wrote all those plays! Was Vermeer “wasting” paint when he made the Night Watch? Plus I do some “feed the hungry work”, one night I let a bunch of homeless people into a show, gave them front row seats and told them they could open their mouths during the performance.

RPS: Are you comparing what you do with Shakespeare?

G: No, you’re right… what I do is entertaining! But seriously, it’s all in the name art my friend. Hey, I got another joke… you know that Bible verse? “Without God, we are nothing but dust. What is butt dust? Is that what you get if your homosexual isn’t properly lubricated?”

RPS: Can you talk a little about the Gallagher “look” and you created the image we all know and love?

G: Yeah, I just thought “what would it look like if David Crosby and Mork from Ork went into that machine that turned Jeff Goldblum into the fly”

RPS: Your brother used to perform as “Gallagher II” and often the promoter would “forget” to put the II at the end of his name. Was that partly because of your busy schedule?

G: Yes sir, lots of artists do that. The “real” Bruce Springsteen hasn’t left his home in a long time, that’s Cliff Springsteen that tours now. The real Bruce has been working on this 10′ by 10′ cat puzzle for 11 hours a day for the past 8 years. And NO he’s not crazy… just determined.

RPS: So the “real” Bruce gave up music?

G: No, not at all, he writes every once in a while, just mostly songs about cats … and  sometimes puzzles.

RPS: but he’s not crazy?

R: Nah, … just determined.

RPS: How do you try and stay relevant in an era where more cerebral comedy is “in”?

G: Look, it is like my favorite singer Ray Stephens said “when you do something and people think it is funny, don’t change it too much, just keep doing it for years and years”.

RPS: You already said that.

G: Well! Ray is awesome, and HE is funny, not some 20 something smart-ass who looks like he is wearing his dad’s shirt and poindexter glasses who uses big words, and talks about bands nobody’s heard of! That’s not comedy, comedy is bold! You ride a giant tricycle! Or wear a funny hat, or sing a loud song about farting, you don’t make “witty” observations about things! Little jokes get little laughs my man. Big is funny, big shoes a big bed, a big toilet. Another thing that is funny is looking into a camera after a kid says something that is nuts, and to top it off -cross your eyes or something (laughs)… Oh, I thought of another one -what does Mr. T say before he flushes?

RPS: I don’t’ know

G: I PITY THE STOOL!!! I just made that up, I gotta put that in the act.

RPS: Well thanks for your time sir.