Editor’s note: He said he was going to do this, a “Drinks With” interview with himself, but none of us believed him. This, in my opinion, is funny and sad. But mostly sad.

Dry Ink: Thank you for doing this. Please introduce yourself.

Tom Cheshire: You got it, my name is Tom Cheshire. I am a soul singer.

DI: Ok, now we’re getting somewhere. Can you tell me more?

TC: Aren’t you going to offer me a drink? This is a “Drinks With” interview.

DI: I am drinking gin. What can I get you?

TC: I’ll have the same and put a bit of tonic in there.

DI: Where are you from?

TC: I was born in Kew Gardens Hospital in Queens, New York. They tore the place down two weeks after I was born. My first 21 years were spent on the streets of New York. Then I hit Atlanta.

DI: Tell me about your childhood.

TC: I got picked on a lot but my older sister fought my battles for me. I took guitar lessons, dance lessons and loved playing basketball. I had my first cigarette at 11. My first drink was on that same day. It was a Schlitz. I always knew those two would go well together. My first kiss came a few years later.

DI: Would you like another drink?

TC: Keep the gin coming and I would love a glass of tequila.

DI: I’ll keep the drinks coming if you keep talking. You’re doing great so far.

TC: I feel like I was born an old man sometimes. It all flew by so fast. They said I had a million dollar smile and I was the friendliest boy. I remember playing handball. Then I was imitating Michael Jackson with the red plastic jacket and all. Then I was a new waver. And now I stand in front of you with beard turning gray and I hate most people.

DI: You said you are a soul singer. What else do you do?

TC: I am not really one. I just think it sounds funny. I am a few things, wear a few hats. I am a writer. I write short stories, poems, jokes and songs. I am also a builder. I’ve built a few houses and I’ve built several relationships. They usually fall apart though.

DI: Who are your influences as a song writer?

TC: That’s easy, Tom Waits, Woody Allen, Frankie Stubbs and Shane MacGowan.

DI: Who are your influences as a writer of short stories?

TC: The same I just mentioned and you can throw Charles Bukowski and Norman Mailer in there. Most of my heroes are old or dead. I despise today’s youth and hate most people in general.

DI: Tell me about your gift with women.

TC: When I was 12-years-old my dad gave me charm as a gift. He didn’t have any money. He said it was all he could afford. Women have always thrown themselves at me. It has been a gift and a curse. I usually make them very happy and then they hate me with a passion.

DI: But you are married now, right?

TC: Yes I am. She is the most important thing in my life after music and drinking. She wears the sweat pants in our relationship.

DI: What are your favorite drinks?

TC: I was a brown liquor man for years but it almost killed me. So I moved on to gin and vodka. I also like Guinness, Stella and Strongbow Cider. Actually, I’ll pretty much drink anything but milk. Can you put a head on this glass of gin for me?

DI: Tell me about your move to the ATL?

TC: That was in the early 90’s. My folks were here already and I needed to get out of New York City. I hated it at first but then it grew on me.

DI: So do you consider yourself a Southerner?

TC: No, I’m a Northern Baptist. There are parts of the South that are really beautiful and parts (meaning people) that make it really ugly. Can I have a Guinness right now?

DI: Not a problem. What do you do for fun?

TC: Watch movies, dance alone in front of the mirror, ride a bicycle, spend romantic evenings with my bride, jack the lad, listen to dub reggae, read books, write songs, take naps, drink liquor, write letters, wear sweat pants and drink beer.

DI: What do you believe in?

TC: Not much these days.

DI: Who do you think our next president should be?

TC: Either George Clinton or Ruth Buzzi.

DI: Do you consider yourself a role model?

TC: Yes, to high school dropouts.

DI: Any words of advice for the kids out there?

TC: Yes, everything popular is wrong.

DI: Anything else?

TC: Stay in touch with yourselves.

DI: Thank you for your time sir. This interview has been a blasty indeed. I feel like I am drinking for two.

TC: Me too.

Tom Cheshire is the publisher of Dry Ink. Write to him at tom@dryinkmag.com